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life now

Things you missed:

I graduated from college.

I got a new job.

I got married.

I'm trans (they/their pronouns).

I left the Church.

I informally adopted a teenager.

Apr. 5th, 2015

sara's homophobic and thinks i'm going to hell. i'm trying to cut off that friendship before it kills me. but ten years of friendship + seven years of cowriting the story of my dreams, and i'm not sure i can cut her off completely. wish she didn't make me feel like shit. wish she didn't make me feel subhuman just to soothe her conscience. 

year in review

In 2014, I:
1. wrote love letters to the woman of my dreams.
2. started dating the woman of my dreams.
3. got a new boss at work...
4. ...twice.
5. found out a lot of cool people in my life are queerer than expected.
6. started writing a novel with Cana.
7. kept revising my stories with Sara.
8. had an RP end.
9. went back to therapy.
10. grew further apart from certain friends.
11. grew closer to Haley and Cana.
12. visited Cana...
13. ...twice, once without Nate and once with him.
14. was visited by Abby and Veronica.
15. baby-sat a lot.
16. grew out my hair (from a mohawk to almost shoulder-length).
17. had a crisis of gender.
18. had a crisis of faith.
19. learned I could graduate early. (I won't.)
20. came out to more of my extended family.
21. got to meet some of my younger cousins. (They have a stuffed fish named General Jeff.)
22. wrote a shit-ton of short stories.
23. went to Montana and met people from the Bronx and Italy.
24. wrote a screenplay.
25. watched a lot of films. (On the Waterfront, High Noon, Chariots of Fire, Cap 2, Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men, The Hobbit part 3, Snowpiercer, The Fault in Our Stars, Gravity, Frozen, 12 Years a Slave....)
26. went to Denny's. A lot. Enough that I actually like Denny's now.
27. went further than I ever had before, sexually, and fucking loved it.
28. had some Super Secret Lesbian Sleepovers.
29. was visited by Cana (unrelated to the SSLS).
30. turned 20.
31. started looking into new jobs, particularly at Marvel in NYC or at the local library.
32. was part of a story review/revision group.
33. attempted to join the editing club at school.
34. decided on my Captain America tattoo and had it designed. I'll hopefully get it in 2015.
35. was written love letters.
36. wrote fanfiction, though less than I used to.
37. won NaNoWriMo and got a shirt for it.
38. got a new cat! She's a tortoiseshell named Minnie.
39. got my marriage rights in my home state.
40. stopped chewing my nails, mostly.
41. helped run Superhero Week at work.
42. kept a 3.8 GPA.
43. wrote strongly worded letters to political figures.
44. was on NPR.
45. lost over 20 pounds, mostly without trying because my body is dumb and does things I don't ask it to.
46. wrote comics for the kids at work.
47. went to Nashville.
48. got a book signed by its author! (Rumble by Ellen Hopkins, for those curious.)
49. helped Abby and her boy move into their new place, if by "helped" you mean "ate cheeseburgers and watched Lord of the Rings," which I do.
50. learned a lot about autism.
51. went to a few plays.
52. got sexually harassed by preteens.
53. made out with my girlfriend in semi-public places...
54. ...yet someone still stayed in the closet at work. Mostly.
55. drank a lot of champagne.
56. filled up quite a few notebooks.
57. became adept at blocking people on Facebook.
58. taught the kids about bullying.
59. started shipping Stucky way harder than I'd ever thought possible.
60. started writing petitions at church.
61. went to a wedding.
62. got sunburned a lot.
63. went to a zombie party.
64. went to a Hobbit party.
65. was Princess Iron Man for Halloween.
66. wandered in pretty shitty parts of town.
67. worked with kids with really bad anxiety.
68. held my girlfriend's hand in public.
69. came out to my ex-boss.
70. learned my cat hates the piano.
71. went en pointe again for all of five seconds.
72. got really good at pretending to read required material.
73. was terrified by Jumanji.
74. still didn't have a smart phone.
75. somehow broke my glasses. The arm of them popped out while I was sleeping. I wasn't wearing them. Ghosts??
76. watched a lot of YouTube.
77. got in a wreck. STILL NOT MY FAULT.
78. convinced an ex to join FetLife, cackling all the way.
79. wrote my smuttiest fanfiction ever. I still haven't published it because I'm too embarrassed to revise it.
80. wrote a lot of letters by hand.
81. made up with the friend I'd been fighting with. Sort of. We'll never be the same, though.
82. went to a lot of punk shows.
83. played a lot of video games and was consistently terrible at them. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, SONIC.
84. was as real as I could be with my eighth graders.
85. continued to have a dirty mouth outside of work with considerably few slip-ups at work.
86. taught myself to communicate better.
87. taught myself to eat more vegetables.
88. watched so much Agents of SHIELD.
89. went to an Islamic Food Festival. (With my cousin who divorced her husband of 15 years. They looked perfect from the outside. And with her daughter, who is three but far smarter than any three-year-old has the right to be. She's incredible.)
90. got my left ear repierced.
91. (Not me, but my dad retired. This is very strange. I'm still not sure I like it.)
92. spent a lot of my parents' money on gas. In my defense, I don't ask them to; they do it as soon as they see my credit card bill. Their fault. Not mine!
93. pulled my hair into a ponytail--multiple times!
94. wore a lot of lipstick. Red lipstick is the most empowering type of make-up you could wear. I feel like I rule the world when I wear it.
95. helped with so much homework.
96. danced like a maniac--at the punk shows, at work, and at prom.
97. missed Harlaxton a lot.
98. blew a lot of money on my kids.
99. leaned on Nate a lot, especially when I felt like I couldn't trust Sara. (She's not the one I had the huge fight with. It's been a long year.)
100. Fell in love a lot--platonically, with friends and my kids more than ever; romantically, with my girlfriend. She lights up my life. She's there for me when I need her, even when I know it's hard for her to be there, and I try to be there for her too. She's not afraid to be a dork with me. I love her. I hope I'll be with her for many years to come. 

things said during the christmas party


  1. "you're the unaboober!"

  2. "MONKEY BALLS"

  3. "i never truly understood the miracle of childbirth until i experienced laying an egg"

  4. "this is like ten percent coke and ninety percent alcohol"

  5. "your left boob is a woman boob but your right boob is a man boob"

  6. "i'm not drunk unless i can't sit up!" -roman, who was very drunk

also, this is a playlist of some of the songs roman sang while playing monkey balls

I'm 20.

The age my cousin was when he had an LJ, aka the LJ that made me want one. 

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Also, as of today, my official diagnosis is OCPD, social phobia, and GAD.

Extrovert with social phobia. Hell...yeah?

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Even though there's a stay on marriage equality in Indiana. Sigh. It was nice while it lasted, and it'll be back
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Happy New Year.

This year, I:
1. Lost my cat.
2. Went to school in England.
3. Lived in a dorm for the first time.
4. Road-tripped to Muncie.
5. Worked five-day weeks.
6. Taught a kid to ride his bike.
7. Returned to dance.
8. Read poetry onstage.
9. Drank legally for the first time.
10. Got over my ex.
11. Read The Fault in Our Stars.
12. Saw the Eiffel Tower in person.
13. Went around the Ring of Kerry.
14. Went to the GPO in Dublin and saw where the Easter Rising happened.
15. Heard people talking about me behind my back.
16. Had conversations beneath staircases.
17. Was hugged by a professor.
18. Rode on top of a double-decker bus.
19. Slept on public transportation.
20. Went to London multiple times.
21. Saw a play at the Curve in Leicester.
22. Wrote thousands of words.
23. Saw two new Marvel movies.
24. Gained weight.
25. Convinced my mum to get me a new cat.
26. Started tagging things on tumblr again.
27. Became friends with my boss.
28. Danced with my professors.
29. Watched the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who...and a regeneration. Sigh.
30. Was a foot away from David Tennant.
31. Cosplayed as Tony Stark, complete with arc reactor and goatee.
32. Drank champagne and hung out by the river.
33. Spoke a little French to French people.
34. Went on a ghost tour.
35. Slept in hostels.
36. Befriended Jonas Brother fans.
37. Watched the whole Wendy Davis thing go down and got a new sweatshirt that says, "A woman's place is in the House and the Senate."
38. Had the flu more than twice.
39. Went to the ER.
40. Got yelled at by a professor.
41. Climbed a tree.
42. Played in the snow.
43. Bought food at McDonalds with just pennies.
44. Saw Macbeth at the Globe.;
45. Learned a little Gaelic.
46. Finished my first year of college.
47. Danced with a really cute girl at Pride Prom.
48. Started writing Avengers fanfiction with said girl.
49. Went to the Beatles Experience in Liverpool.
50. Rode a Ferris Wheel.
51. Made lots of new friends.
52. Learned that snooker is a thing.
53. Ate too much pizza.
54. Taught kids to read.
55. Drove my car past 50,000 miles.
56. Climbed through a culvert.
57. Played in a giant sandbox.
58. My butt touched Mark Ruffalo's butt indirectly.
59. Went to a Neon Trees concert.
60. Cosplayed as Thorin Oakenshield.
61. Cosplayed as zombie Captain America.
62. Met a giant Dalek.
63. Went to the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff.
64. Went to my first baseball game.
65. Flew a penguin kite.
66. Busted out of Pizza Hut.
67. Went to Bath.
68. Played in the fountains at my rival university multiple times.
69. Almost got a speeding ticket.
70. Saw a fluffy chicken in real life.
71. Sat inside a tractor wheel.
72. Went to Platform 9 and 3/4s.
73. Met a wizard.
74. Rented a flat in London.
75. Saw an exhibit on London Fashion in the 80s.
76. Started saying "hella" and "yo" unironically.
77. Went to the movie theater every week once a week.
78. Saw the Moulin Rouge lit up at night.
79. Got a mohawk.
80. Took lots of selfies.
81. Read a comic book in German.
82. Went to Free Comic Book Day.
83. Climbed a waterfall.
84. Went kayaking.
85. Randomly road-tripped to Louisville.
86. Found all four seasons of my favorite TV show ever online!
87. Fucked around my old high school's campus.
88. Returned to York.
89. Met someone from the Internet in real life.
90. Ate lots of pomegranates.
91. Went to Mass a lot, then skipped Mass a lot, then went to Mass a lot again.
92. Didn't drive a car for four months.
93. Had lots of issues with depression.
94. Watched the Avengers more times than I could count.
95. Dealt with digestive issues.
96. Had a pub in the basement of my school.
97. Dreamed that I was in a play with Viggo Mortensen.
98. Stayed up until four AM.
99. Saw Life of Pi while under the influence of alcohol.
100. Rode the Eurostar.
Christ, I'm going to miss my kids while I'm in England.
Trying to decide if I'm tired enough to nap or if I should meditate for a while first. It's been far too long since the last time I centered myself.

I'm sick again, but that shouldn't surprise anyone.

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